


I'm not him

by Yakō-sei No Saiko (NocturnalPzyko)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28188114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NocturnalPzyko/pseuds/Yak%C5%8D-sei%20No%20Saiko
Summary: the highlighted words are the lyrics from the song Paubaya. It is a one-shot story written for a challenge.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 34





	I'm not him

**Author's Note:**

> the highlighted words are the lyrics from the song Paubaya. It is a one-shot story written for a challenge.

A one-shot story made for #moira_paubaya_haikyuu_version_challenge

**I'm not him.**

**\--**

"I love him."

_Three words. Eight Letters. It's only three words and eight letters. But..._

_It's enough to break me._

_Enough to send me to hell._

_Enough..._

_To let go of his hands that I'm holding tight._

_Enough..._

_To make my heart stopped beating._

_For me to stop breathing._

"Did you ever love me?" I asked as I wipe my tears with the back of my palm. While listening to his harsh breathing.

I heard him struggling, finding the right words to say, "I tried Oikawa. God knows how much I tried..." His voice started to crack as if he's trying hard not to cry. He let out a deep sigh, "I'm sorry Oikawa. But I can't." I hung up the phone and let my tears fell in my eyes.

After three years of being together, he will tell me that he never loved me? Why? What's wrong with me? Am I not enough? I thought he likes me? That he accepts me for who I am? And now he called me first thing in the morning after two weeks of not seeing each other just to dump me? What a nice wake-up call!

I lay again on my bed and smiled bitterly as I listen to a Tagalog song on my MP3. A song that I heard from a Half-Japanese and Half-Filipino classmate who introduce me to OPM songs in the Philippines. It is the same classmate who teaches me tagalong that's why at some point, I understand the song that I'm listening to.

__

_**Saan nagsimulang magbago ang lahat** _  
_**Kailan nung ako'y di na naging sapat** _

And a bitter smile escaped my lips when I realized what's wrong with me. The reason why he can't love me even though he likes me. Why I can't be enough.

__

_**Ba't di mo sinabi nung una pa lang** _  
_**Ako ang kailangan, pero di ang mahal** _

_I'm not him._

My tears stream down my face again as I savor each line of the song and let myself drown with Iwaizumi's memories.

Iwa~chan and I grew up with each other. We both joined in volleyball club. I am his setter and he is my ace. Even though lots of girls approached me, Iwa~chan is the only one I love. Everyone knows I'm gay. He knows that I'm gay but he doesn't hate me for that. He was the one who asked me out. I don't know if he knew that I have feelings for him or not but he asked me out that's for sure.

_"Hey, Tooru."_

_"Yes, Iwa~chan?" I asked feeling uncomfortable because this is the first time he called me by name. Normally, he calls me shittykawa._

_"Go out with me." He said seriously without looking at me while we're on our way home._

_I was dumbfounded because I'm not sure if he's asking me to go out somewhere else with him or go out with him literally._

_Iwa-chan stopped walking and looked at me. "I'm asking you to date me. What's your answer?"_

_"Y-yeah sure."_

And that's the start of everything. The start of our so-called relationship. I was so happy. I had his heart.

Or so I thought.

__

_**Saan nag kulang ang aking pagmamahal** _  
_**Lahat ay binigay nang mapangiti ka lang** _

In our first months together, I'm so happy. He introduced me to everyone as his lover. Our friends and family supported us despite being in a same-sex relationship. Everyone thinks that we're perfect together. And I thought we were.

**_Bat di ko nakita na ayaw mo na_  
_Ako ang kasama, pero hanap mo sya_ **

I'm so happy.

So happy not to notice that his gaze is far away from mine. I noticed him looking at him, looking at Kageyama Tobio, the king of the court, our junior way back in junior high, whenever we had a practice match with his new team.

He looked at him with so much longing in his eyes. I also see the sadness on it, every time chibi-chan is with him. I see how angry he is whenever I dissed Tobio. And I see the love in his eyes whenever they looked at each other, that I'd never seen since the day that he said 'I love you.'

**_Saan natigil ang pagiging totoo_  
_Sa tuwing mababanggit na mahal mo ako_ **

But because I love him so much, I pretend. I pretend not to see how he looked at him from afar. I pretend not to see how much he cared for him. I pretend that he cares for me. And I pretend that it is me who he loves but...

_"Stop crying Tobio... Please..." I stopped just before I enter the comfort room in Karasuno gym_ _where we held another practice match with them._

_"I do too... I do love you too, Tobio... I'm sorry for hiding it from you." I heard it finally. The truthfulness and gentleness of those words while saying them to him, breaks my heart._

_I cover my mouth to stop myself from sobbing as I see him with Tobio who looked in pain. See how he hugged him tightly as if he's ready to protect him with his life. See those emotions in his eyes that I never see for the past two years whenever he's looking at me. Whenever he kisses me. Whenever he hugs me._

_Those emotions that I only see in my dreams._

__

_**Ba't di mo inamin na merong iba** _  
_**Ako ang kayakap, pero isip mo sya.** _

Then our eyes met. He saw me crying but he didn't stand up to comfort me or explain to me what's happening. He stayed there. He stayed beside Tobio.

Two weeks passed. I skipped classes. But it seems that he never noticed. No text messages or phone calls. Until this day came.

__

_**Ba't di ko naisip na meron hanggan** _  
_**Ako yung nauna, pero siya ang wakas.** _

_"Oikawa..." He said in a serious tone._

_"Yes, Iwaizumi?" I tried to stop myself from sobbing when I heard his voice from the other line. I could feel the coldness in his voice. But still, I hoped that he would say sorry. That it's just a misunderstanding._

_That it's me that he truly loves._

_"Let's break up."_

_My world crashed when he said those painful words._

_"Is it because of Tobio?" I asked him._

_"No. It's because of me." He answered and when I thought that he's done, he told me those three words, eight letters._

_"I love him."_

__

_**At kung masaya ka sa piling nya** _  
_**Hindi ko na pipilit pa** _  
_**Ang tanging hiling ko lang sa kanya** _  
_**Wag kang paluhain at alagaan ka nya** _

I smiled bitterly. And even though it's painful. I want to know something. I want to hear it from him.

The truth.

_"Did you ever love me?" I asked as I wipe my tears with the back of my palm. While listening to his harsh breathing._

_I heard him struggling, finding the right words to say, "I tried Oikawa. God knows how much I tried..."_

_His voice started to crack as if he's trying hard not to cry. He let out a deep sigh, "I'm sorry Oikawa. But I can't." I hung up the phone and let my tears fell in my eyes._

__

_**At kita naman sa yong mga mata** _  
_**Kung bakit pinili mo sya** _  
_**Mahirap labanan ang tinadhana** _

I know now that he loves Tobio, and he always will.

****

**_Pinapaubaya_** ,

Iwa~chan just tried to hide it because he thought that it's the right thing to do since he's older. He doesn't want to take away Tobio's future.

__

_**Pinapaubaya,** _

He just loved Tobio from afar. Even when he's with me, it's still Tobio who has his heart. But now that he can't contain it anymore, who am I to keep him away from his happiness?

_From his true love._

_"I'm sorry, Oikawa. I'm truly sorry."_

The text Iwaizumi send to me right after our call. And as the final words from the song ended, I replied to him...

__

_**Pinapaubaya ko na sa kanya.** _

"I love you, Iwa~chan. Goodbye, my first love."

I'll leave you to him.   
**_私はあなたを彼に任せます_** **。**  
_**Pinapaubaya na kita sa kanya.**_


End file.
